Splinters of Past Pain: The Protector Series

How do you usually find out you have a splinter? 

For me, it's not an obvious 'on the surface' injury. My hand unassumingly brushes up against something and suddenly a pain shoots up my finger. How does that almost invisible, tiny, little intruder cause so much pain?

Well, that's just like 'emotional splinters.' Someone says something that 'brushes up' against an invisible hurt from the past that then triggers an emotional reaction that does not match the intensity of the present moment. 

Why did I get so activated by that? Why am I so mad?

So, I'm going to create an imaginary situation to explain... Let's say when I was five years old, I LOVED the color blue. Like, really loved it. And then one day, my best friend said that blue was ugly and decided that because I liked blue, I was no longer invited to sit with my friends at lunch. And it DEEPLY hurt my feelings because I were so passionate about that color... and my friendship. 

That memory, when not fully processed, is like a splinter in my memories. It holds all the nervous system charge of that memory. It represents anger, grief, rejection, fear. All of the big feelings that I was simply too young to process. 

It's just hanging out, waiting for someone to brush up against it and activate that old pain.

Flash forward to present day, and I'm sitting in an important meeting at work. I've spent a lot of time and energy putting together a beautiful PowerPoint presentation that I'm super proud of that happens to have a lot of blue charts / graphs / imagery (because I still like blue). Suddenly, my boss, in front of everyone, in a lighthearted, productive manner, says, 'We want each graph to represent a different idea, so the amount of blue is a bit confusing. Maybe you can switch it up a bit before we show the client tomorrow.'

Next thing I know, I freeze, my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy.

I can't regulate my nervous system, I'm feeling super activated, maybe even starting to feel tightness creeping up my body. I may even have to leave the room to gather myself.

WHAT. THE. F*CK. JUST. HAPPENED. 

Well, your boss, unknowingly, brushed up against my 'emotional splinter' from childhood. It can be easy to blame the other person instead of looking within. But if possible, I try to pause and check-in with myself. It's not his fault. He had NO IDEA that blue would be such an intense experience for me. 

He triggered an old experience of embarrassment, shame and rejection. I went straight from 'crushing it' to 'being crushed' with one comment.

The pain is alive and well in my memory, and it, very kindly, is trying to protect me from experiencing that pain again in the future. 

So, now what?

It is my responsibility to honor that fear, regulate my nervous system, grab the 'emotional tweezers' and start excavating.*

The Step-by-Step Process I Use to Tap Into the Feelings:

Step 1: Acknowledging the nervous system activation as real. I just time-traveled back to age 5 with no warning. That is incredibly intense. 

Step 2: Coming back to the present moment: Feeling my feet on the ground. Massaging my hands together. Feeling the texture of my shirt. Sharing with myself, 'we're here now, we're safe,' on repeat. (Utilize any tools or skills that you find helpful to come back to the present moment).

Step 3: When I can get some space, and my nervous system is regulated, remind myself that the pain is trying to protect me from the experience happening again. 

Example Dialogue: 

•  Emotional Pain: 'Remember that experience - we don't want that to happen again.'

•  Me: 'Thank you for trying to protect me. Thank you for helping me be safe. But that's not how we create safety anymore. We create safety by feeling our feelings and going into action for our needs. We're older now and we can take care of ourselves in ways we couldn't then.'

• Emotional Pain: But I'm scared because last time the feelings were so big. 

•  Me: 'It's ok to be scared. Of course we're scared. It brought up an old memory that was really painful. We're capable now to feel the big feelings.'

Step 4: When I'm in a safe environment with time and space, it can be helpful to do a 'travel back' to the memory that is frozen in time from childhood. 

Step 5: Imagining my adult self going back to the memory from childhood and standing up for that version of me or holding that age version of me and telling them that they are loved and safe and that I'm so sorry that happened to them and that even though I couldn't protect them then, because I was too young or didn't have the skills and tools, I'm older now and will love and protect them no matter what.

It may take many travel backs to 'bring that part back' from the freeze into the present moment. 

Each time, there is more ease and more peace and less activation. 

I may even find that the next time someone criticizes blue, I don't even notice because I've processed the big feelings from the event and released 'the splinter.' :) I keep showing up for the 'splinters' to create more and more inner freedom for myself. 

Emotional freedom isn't free, but, in my experience, it's worth the effort. 

I hope this article provides some gentleness and clarity the next time a 'splinter' shows up. :)

Feel free to reach out with any questions: kristin@kristinwald.com

- Kristin

* NOTE: If a memory is traumatic and too big to process on your own, it can be helpful to seek a therapist to hold space to process the experience in a safe and thoughtful way.

This article is based on opinion and personal experience. It is not medical or therapeutic advice. Please seek professional help if necessary.

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