Staying Connected to My Feelings & Needs

A girl walked into a restaurant...

The girl is me. I walked into a restaurant, was seated at a table with my husband and realized that I was 'checking in' with every person in the restaurant - checking the 'emotional temperature' of the room. 

It was like I had octopus tentacles and was 'scoping out' how everyone nearby was feeling. 

That man seems a bit sad. That woman is anxious. Look at how he's tapping his foot on the floor. Those kids are over it. They're ready to leave.

By the time we had our drinks, I had the overall vibe of the room. If someone was particularly agitated, I would continue to notice them throughout my dinner.

Some would say that behavior is empathetic, to feel the feelings of everyone in the room. And it's true, I'm a naturally highly empathetic and sensitive person. If you're familiar with Human Design, my cognition is 'Feeling,' which means I'm naturally good at 'feeling the vibe' of the people in every room I enter. 

But, the truth is, even with those gifts, my 'energetic tentacles' are Protectors. 

The fact they go out and check the energy of others, no matter the environment, is a form of protection. Making sure the people and environment are safe. 'Everyone good? Anyone to kind of watch out for?' Whether it's a party, a classroom, a meeting, dinner, a group, a coffee shop - my octopus emotional tentacles have my back.

And Protectors are awesome until they become limiting. 

The fact that a person who is agitated can remain a distraction throughout a whole class or a whole dinner is not ideal. I'd like to be fully present in every environment I'm in. 

The tentacles need to know - 'I see you, I hear you, but we're safe. You can relax.'

When I notice that my attention is continually being pulled by another person, or I notice my mind start trying to 'solve their problems' or get curious about what's going on with them, I pause. In smaller environments, a part of me is trying to figure out if I'm liked, if they are reacting well to me, if they accept me. It's all protection. 

Because at some level, I've now decided 'if they're ok, then I'm ok.' And that's not ok. 

'If they like me, I'm ok. If they're smiling at me, I'm ok.' And all of that is not ok. 

I'm putting my 'ok-ness' outside of myself. My 'ok-ness' comes from within. My responsibility is to feel my feelings and go into action for my needs. My feelings are my job. Their feelings are their job. 

When I get honest about the underlying feeling, it's fear. And then control. I'm trying to control the external environment by making sure everyone is ok or that I'm liked. 

Every feeling is communicating a need. Fear needs reassurance.

My Step-by-Step Process for Talking to My Tentacles:

Step 1: Awareness that my tentacles are out and about, checking on everyone's feelings.

Step 2: Understanding that some part of me, even if it's unconscious is afraid. 

Step 3: I talk to the fear. 'It's ok to be scared. The brain doesn't like uncertainty, and there is a lot of uncertainty right now. I'm here. I'm paying attention, and I'll take care of us.' 

In a smaller, social environment, the conversation might sound like: 'I understand you're scared. We don't know if people will like us and that can bring up a lot of fear. Even if they reject us, I'll never reject us. Even if they don't like us, I love us no matter what. I'm here.'

Step 4: I thank my tentacles for protecting me and ask them, 'Is anyone here paying me to pay attention to their feelings?' (I like to have a sense of humor with my tentacles). The answer: 'No.'

Step 5: I let them know: 'It's ok to pull back. Our only responsibility is to pay attention to our own feelings and go into action for our needs. That's how we create safety.'

My tentacles may try to sneak out here and there even after this inner conversation - they love me a lot and want me to be safe. They're much stronger than my new circuit of staying very close to myself. 

I allow for the oscillation and when I notice that I'm giving attention to someone else in the room, I use it as an opportunity to come back to myself and find out what my feelings need in that moment. Sometimes it's just a quick check-in: 'You're afraid I'm not paying attention. I'm here. I got us.'

I'm continuously building a deeper relationship with myself and getting to know and love all of my parts. 

I hope this article provides some gentleness and clarity the next time your 'awareness tentacles' show up. :)

Feel free to reach out with any questions: kristin@kristinwald.com

- Kristin

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