Emotionally Disrobing: When to Get 'Naked' in Conversation

I used to love getting naked at the dinner table.

Well, 'emotionally naked.' 

I love getting 'under the hood' - deeper than the superficial - really getting to know someone and what makes them tick. 

A high-level, superficial, conversation of pleasantries is brutal for me. 

I can do it, but it wears me out.

It wasn't until a challenging conversation many years ago, where I quickly learned (the hard way) that not everyone is worthy of my 'nakedness' (my vulnerability, feelings, honesty and authenticity). 

And some people aren't safe to 'get naked' with.

The person across from me, who I wanted to connect with but knew hadn't been very welcoming to me, asked me:

'So, how do you feel about our relationship?' 

And I proceeded to 'disrobe' and share my feelings openly and vulnerably. 

When I was sufficiently vulnerable, aka 'my emotional clothes in a pile next to me,' I asked her:

'So, how about you?'

And she said, 'I'm not going to say anything, because it would be too hurtful.' 

And there I was, 'butt naked,' 'tits in the breeze,' while she sat across from me in her winter coat and scarf manipulating the shit out of me. 

I got played. 

She was now the victim and I was the 'naked bad guy' who was honest about my feelings and desiring to work things out and repair through sharing our feelings and needs. 

Fuck.

Lesson learned: Thank you to that 'teacher' who caused me a ton of pain and provided invaluable lessons to take care of myself in relationships and prioritize my safety and needs.

So, what was the lesson, other than chilly nipples and a bruised ego?

The Scarf Metaphor:

When I encounter a new relationship, or even a relationship with someone I know but don't fully trust yet, I use the 'Scarf Technique.' 

I imagine we're both sitting fully clothed (winter attire for this particular metaphor) in shirt, sweater, winter coat, pants, shoes, scarf, hat (lots of layers).

And the conversation begins...

I imagine that one person shares a low stakes 'truth' about themselves (Ex. 'I like cats' - I guess that could be a deal-breaker for some, but for this scenario, let's say that's easy). 

I imagine that 'share' as them removing a 'scarf' and passing it to the other person across the table. 

Now, this key: What does the other person do with that 'scarf'? 

Do they acknowledge it, drop it, hang it up, fold it? Based on how they handle that moment, the person who shared the scarf can decide how to proceed. 

The person who received 'the scarf' now has the opportunity to 'remove a scarf' and share a low-stakes truth across the table. 

Once again, how does the person receive that honesty? With kindness, compassion or disregard?

And this process goes back and forth, one article at a time, increasingly more vulnerable with each layer, but staying in alignment with each other.

And most importantly for me, I stay deeply connected to myself throughout the whole process, always checking in with myself:

'What do I feel? And, what do I need?' 

Am I ok with this person? Do I need to stay in my sweater? What do I need in this moment to honor myself? Do we want to just remove a scarf today even if we feel safe with them? That's ok. No rush. 

My safety and connection to myself is my number one priority always. 

Because of my love of authenticity and vulnerability, staying surface level is usually not my favorite (and my inner child might have a temper tantrum about it - she loves getting to know your inner child), but I'm responsible for keeping us in balance, and will make sure that I prioritize us, even if it means having a boring conversation. 

There are some people now where I intentionally have a boring conversation, and I purposely don't share any of my vulnerability with them, because they haven't proven themselves to be on my team or have my best interests in mind, and that's ok. 

Not everyone gets 'under my hood' - it's the VIP section. 

It makes me treasure the ones that have been granted access to my VIP section even more. 

This metaphor has worked really well for me, and I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

Feel free to reach out and let me know if the 'Scarf Metaphor' works for you or you have a another way of honoring yourself in relationships. kristin@kristinwald.com

Emotional freedom isn't free but it's worth the effort.

- Kristin

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