Navigating My Loved Ones' Dark Emotional Places

Me: What are you feeling?

Him: I don't know.

Me: What do you need?

Him: I don't know.

Me: How can I help?

Him: (Dumps all of their biggest, darkest feelings)

Does this scenario sound familiar? It has happened in my life numerous times. Watching someone you love enter 'their cave' - their dark place where they need to do introspection and parent themselves into clarity and awareness.

My usual go-to would be to grab snacks, a flashlight and a bottle of water and enter their dark cave with them (whether it be a family member, a friend, my husband) and be their 'dark cave cheerleader.' I'd bring an irrelevant map (because I don't know the inner workings of their dark places) and offer to 'be in it with them.'

Let me tell you... that is a sure-fire way to end up bruised, scratched up, exhausted, depleted, and more than a little resentful. 

I noticed this pattern in 2021. COVID was less than friendly to most of the people around me - a lot of the people closest to me were in a 'dark night of the soul' while the world was in chaos. I completely neglected my own pain, fear and overwhelm and decided to enter everyone's dark caves. 

I was a regular 'Indiana Jones' of people's dark caves. 

Belaying seven people simultaneously into their pain, trauma and healing.

It wasn't until it was too late that I realized I was exhausted. I had no more left to give. I had completely dissociated from my own big feelings by living in the big feelings of others. 

And my ignored feelings were pissed.

I started having panic attacks for the first time in my life. I had no idea what was happening. It was terrifying. It was a hard stop to all of my 'helping others.' I couldn't do it anymore. 

My body was begging me to come back to myself and check-in with what was going on under my own hood. 

And that began a 2-year process of unpacking my own big feelings - daily rage work (for putting other people's pain before my own inner child's needs), grief processing (for abandoning myself and self-betrayal of my feelings and needs) and befriending my fear (I was taught to reject fear but it's always loving me and trying to protect me). 

I basically went into 'Feelings Grad School' and got my 'Emotional Awareness PhD.'

One of the biggest lessons I learned was that when loved ones go into their caves, the most loving thing I can do is take care of myself outside the cave (workout, connect with friends and family, do my emotional work, do activities I enjoy, connect to my feelings and needs, etc.). 

Do what I need to do to be my best self, so when they come out of the cave, I'm there, fully resourced, fully vibrant and ready to give them a huge hug and provide a safe place to share their growth and discoveries.

I do no good in their darkness. I end up lost, confused, overwhelmed and neglected. I'm much more valuable being my best self and taking incredible care of myself, so I can be there when the emerge from their Hero's Journey and can share the lessons they've learned from their process. 

In the past, when I've neglected myself in service to their emotional process, by the time they emerge from the cave, I'm too exhausted to care about them, their discoveries or their needs. 

And I'm over it. By that point, all I need is care and love from someone who isn't capable of giving it to me.

But when I choose to stay deeply connected to myself and my wellness, I have the capacity to show up when they're ready without resentment or fatigue. 

I'm good to go. And I have enough love and care to listen and be that gentle 'welcome home.'

So, now, when a loved one is hurting, and I notice myself 'reaching for my canteen and compass,' I pause. I remember that I have to stay connected to my feelings and go into action for my needs, or I won't be available for anyone, including myself. 

I gently put the 'canteen and compass' down and consciously reconnect to myself - 'It's safe to let them do their own self-discovery. This is their journey. What do I feel in this moment and what do I need?'

I am responsible for my wellbeing. I choose to create inner safety by feeling my feelings and going into action for my needs. And everything unfolds from there.

Let me know your thoughts. 

- Kristin

kristin@kristinwald.com

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