My Needs Are Always Valid: Relationship Series

I don't feel great... I'm recovering from a cold. I'm lightheaded and have a head full of snot.

Which also means I'm a bit more sensitive than usual. And just to make this super clear, sensitive is a good thing in my book - it will never be a 'weakness' in my world. It is very courageous to be sensitive in our society. 

Sensitive = more in touch with my feelings, which also means I can be kind and compassionate with others' feelings.

So, tonight, I'm sitting at home, curled up on the couch and just feeling crappy. I'm exhausted, a bit lightheaded and tired. It was also my husband's birthday this week, and we had plans to go to a cool, fun dinner tonight.

As I'm showering to rally to go to dinner, I started feeling fear: my heart rate increased (felt like anxiety), started feeling a little panic, so standing in the shower, 

I paused and asked my inner child: 'What are you feeling? What do you need?' 

I hear this loud message from her, 'I'm overwhelmed. I'm not ok. I need to rest. I can't go out tonight.' 

I respond back, 'I hear you. I understand. It's been a big week, and we don't feel well. I always put you first, you are my priority. I'll tell Zach, and we'll stay home tonight. He may have big feelings about it, but it's ok for him to have feelings. It may be uncomfortable for him to have feelings, but it's not dangerous.'

I get out of the shower, go upstairs and share my feelings and needs with the sandwich technique (statement of connection, stating my need, statement of connection). 

"Your birthday is so important to me and I want to celebrate you. I'm not feeling well. I'm having some big feelings come up, and I really need to stay in tonight. I can't wait to celebrate your birthday. Can we reschedule for another night?'

As we've done a ton of emotional work together, he immediately said, 'Of course. Take care of yourself. Your health is the priority. We can go another time.'

Fast forward an hour, I'm on the couch curled up with blankets, Zach is watching basketball, and my dinner is ready to be picked up (we live in a neighborhood with a ton of restaurants right outside our door). (I chose my inner child's 'happy comfort food' - plain penne pasta and sautéed broccoli). Zach offered to go pick up the food, so I could rest. 

Me: Hey sexy, my food is ready. Would you mind grabbing it?

Z: No problem, but I'll go in a few minutes.

(10-15 minutes go by)

I can feel myself getting anxious - this situation brings up old feelings and old stories of 1) not being seen and heard, 2) feeling like my needs are 'too much' and a burden for people. 

I pause and let my inner child know:

'We are seen and we are heard. I see you. I hear you. Zach not getting our food isn't a reflection of the importance of our needs; it's a reflection of his capacity in this moment. We're safe. We're ok. I'll make sure we get our food.'

I keep myself calm and regulated and see this as an opportunity to heal old stuff. (So fun when those opportunities come up, especially when sick - lol).

I gently let Zach know:

'I'm not upset or angry. I really appreciate you offering to pick up the food. I want to get my needs met, so I'm happy to go get it myself. I just need to know where you're at.'

He let me know that he is still happy to go get the food and just wanted to finish his stretches. I could have easily turned getting penne pasta into a much bigger 'story.'

I like to remind myself in these moments: 'My needs are always valid. Someone's interest or willingness to meet those needs isn't a reflection of the importance of my needs; it is a reflection of their capacity in the moment.' 

It helps me do 'temperature checks' on my relationships, because I have a history of giving until I am resentful or I collapse without asking anyone else for help.

I now do little checkpoints in my relationships and purposely stretch my courage to ask others for what I need and see their capacity to show up for me. (like lifting 2lb weights, then 5lb weights, then 15lb, etc. getting stronger each time) 

Consciously getting stronger in my capacity to ask for help, so when it really counts, I know I can do it, and I know who I can count on.

Once someone lets me know their capacity, I can then choose how I interact with them on an ongoing basis. 

The point is... I have choices. 

Others' behavior isn't a reflection of my worthiness or lovability. It's a reflection of their capacity. And then I get to make choices based on that new information.

And yes, my plain penne with sautéed broccoli was delightful and my inner child is nourished and cozy. (And Zach got his favorite sushi.)

Emotional freedom isn't free, but it's worth the effort.

Feel free to reach out with any questions: kristin@kristinwald.com

- Kristin

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